Public Comment

I probably seem like I could handle anything, and people probably assume as much when they see me. Thus, I must be exceedingly careful what messes people could unwittingly get me into. They could assume I always carry a few twenty-dollar bills in my wallet in case needed. That's more than I've often had in the bank at the end of the month. With that assumption, someone could ask me to pay a restaurant bill, and would take off before it became time to pay. What if I'm flat broke and I thought the other person was paying? 

A long time ago, I went to a wildlife museum to try to save a baby bird that my wife had rescued. They told me there the bird wasn't indigenous so they couldn't take it. They suggested I take the bird to a rescue place an hour's drive away. I could not do that. When I mentioned I couldn't just drive an hour on a moment's notice, I could have imagined this, but it seemed as though they scoffed. Apparently, since they didn't see any apparent physical defect when I went there, the assumption is that anyone can drive an hour without a problem. 

I have a policy pertaining to driving. I don't do something I can't reasonably, safely do. If I'm in any way impaired, it doesn't matter whether by fatigue, medications of any kind, or even strong emotions, I won't get behind the wheel. Secondly, I have poor stamina due to my sleep apnea. 

People do not make an effort to understand any of this, and instead they assume. I don't know this for fact, but the person at the wildlife museum might have remarked that I cared, "only so much." 

In the past, my wife and I would rent a car and drive from Martinez to Ashland, Oregon to visit her family. Years ago, I was driving on the return trip, and a lot of snow was falling. I didn't catch on time that there was a point at which I needed to stop and either put on snow chains or turn back. But the weather may have been too severe even for chains. I ended up driving in heavy snow atop slush, with no chains on a two-wheel drive Nissan Altima, in a blizzard in the mountains. Fortunately, we were not far behind a snowplow. However, it would have been very easy to spin out and get into a wreck. The four-wheel drive pickups, the only other things on the road, were passing me on the right because they didn't want to be behind me and be involved in a multiple car pile-up. I was just fortunate, and I'm pretty good at controlling a midsize car. But that's the sort of thing a person runs into with few resources when forced to deal with something. In that case, luck played a big part in getting through the situation, and not so much me being some kind of superhero--I'm not. 

In numerous work situations in my past, I've been impaired by the medication and the illness, and made valiant efforts to work jobs despite that. In some instances, I was quite successful. In other instances, too many factors worked against me, and I would quit the job in an inappropriate manner. This wasn't considered mature behavior, and it was attributed by some as caused by not having enough "fortitude." But I just wasn't up for it. I wanted to work, but some of the jobs I obtained were just too demanding for a schizophrenic man on medication. 

I was holding down work, finally, in my early and mid-twenties. I was sabotaged by multiple unfortunate events. My paranoia makes me lean toward the belief that people were intentionally messing with me. I have no evidence to prove or disprove this. 

Around 1990, I finally needed to throw in the towel and obtain SSDI and SSI. I simply needed the income, and my pride had to take a back seat to this. Was it a conspiracy? Was the treatment system finding ways to sabotage my efforts? It doesn't matter. Life is hard. You must do what you can. You must do what is needed. 

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results, you have to be insane to succeed at writing at any level. However, survival is a completely different matter. While writing is a feather in your cap or a trophy on your shelf, it won't fill your belly or your gas tank. You must have a method of paying the bills. Once that's established, go ahead with being an actor, a model, a singer, a sculptor, or an author.