Extra

These are the approximate words of my father when joking of calamity: "If everyone around you is panic-stricken, believing disaster is happening, and freaking out, and you're not, there is probably something wrong with you." (I can't reproduce his exact words--I have only a vague memory.) Of course, there are many men and many women who would never admit to being afraid. Yet all are at some point. But we should remember, a hard situation is very frequently not about us. 

Right now, society appears to be falling apart at the seams, and not as many things are working as they should. So, when something goes wrong or isn't working, you should not instantly blame yourself. You should not personalize it when someone or something malfunctions, because it probably has nothing to do with you. 

Symptoms of paranoia often entail self-oriented interpretations, in which everything that goes wrong is because "they're out to get me." But "neurotypical" people often have the very same reaction. 

I deal with getting and keeping government benefits. I also write. Some of it doesn't pay anything and some does. So, what do I tell Uncle Sam? Nothing? If so, am I guilty of concealing income and/or concealing work? The fact that I make a miniscule amount of money at it means that it probably isn't worth bringing up. But I did make the dumb mistake about 5 years ago of bringing it up to a government agency because I had some warped idea of telling the truth. Then, same government agency sent me a letter informing me that they were conducting an audit. I have not heard anything about it since then. They probably haven't found anything definitive, and that's because there is nothing definitive. 

But dealing with attempts at work while receiving government benefits is universally a problem, so far as I can see. Everyone I've spoken to talks of piles of paperwork to receive a few crumbs. And to keep those crumbs and add a few crumbs that we've gotten on our own, summons yet another massive pile of paperwork, and scrutiny on top of that. 

The abovementioned is an example of where there is no conspiracy; there is bureaucracy. This is not about me; it is about the dumb rules of the system of government benefits. If you don't fit neatly into a category, it doesn’t compute. 

The fact of everything being so expensive in the Bay Area means that any disabled person should sign up for as many perks as available. But each one comes at a price. They've got to have all your information. They've got to have their forms filled out. They've got to do their computer cross-check. They've got to scare ya, because if they didn't scare ya, ya might be happy, and we can't have that. 

The government is good at adding teeth to socioeconomic classism. They have their algorithms, their restrictions, their ordinances, their "notice[s] of action". If you get money from the government, the government thinks it owns you, sort of. Do I have a right to complain? Yes, I do. I haven't been afforded a fair shake at making a living and it comes down to the last resort of begging for money from the government. Is it pleasant? No, it isn't. But it does beat starvation and it does beat living as they did in Imperial China, over a hundred years ago, when, during a famine, people were said to be so hungry they'd eat dirt or eat bark off trees. 

Despite all the big to-do and hoo-ha, very little has been done to help homeless people. It has been attributed to untreated mental illness, but this just isn't accurate. If homeless and mentally ill, you don't last, because symptoms of severe mental illness will prevent surviving. If homeless, you have to have your wits or you'll be deceased within a few weeks or picked up by the "authorities" such as cops, and thrown in jail, or into a psych hospital. Mentally ill people, as I see it, can't survive homelessness. Homelessness is caused by the fact of people hoarding the wealth, and not giving a damn. And there is probably a sadistic element. 

Society is changing. You need to be tougher than you once did if you want to survive. I'm seeing a newer breed of young people who are stronger than their predecessors. I, too, must adapt, and I have to admit it is kind of fun to face the challenge of upping my game. I'm emerging from a longstanding delusional system and finding greater clarity. I'm realizing that many people are skeptical of me and don't like me, while some accept me and appreciate me. But I can't personalize any of it, and I have to realize that there probably isn't a conspiracy to do away with me or otherwise ruin me. Or maybe there is, but does it really matter? Do I have to be thinking about this? No. 

When you take personalization out of the picture and stop blaming yourself or cursing others for unfortunate events, I believe you come closer to an accurate picture of reality. This is part of getting well.