Columns

Turning Over a Nude Leaf 

Heading out on my Sunday run, I encountered a lady bent over a rake in her front yard and up to her ankles in fallen leaves. 

"Remember!" I told her with a passing smile, "Leaves are nature's confetti!" 

She met my grin with a grimace and replied tartly: "No! Leaves are nature's graffiti." 

And brandishing her rake, she returned to the business of removing them. 

Warren's Useful 'Conversation Starters' for Thanksgiving 

Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren recently shared some cheeky advice for getting through the Thanksgiving holiday. Her suggested Conversation Starters included: 

• Everyone should do their fair share—bring a dish, set the table, clean up. Any billionaires at your table pay a two-cent Ultra-Millionaire Tax. 

• While watching some football, talk about the importance of a level playing field—for our family farmers, and for the hometown team. 

• 1% of the family shouldn't get 99% of the pie. 

• Have fun watching a Thanksgiving parade, and take a minute to laugh at the parade of billionaires who think they can buy this election. 

Wildlife in the Neighborhood 

Heading back from my Sunday run, I rounded the Monterey Market and was jogging west on Ada Street when I was passed by a furry blur—a four-legged creature running full-tilt toward Sacramento Street. 

"Wait a second," I thought, "Was that a?... No, never mind . . . . " 

That's when I heard a woman on a nearby sidewalk yell out: "Hey! Was that a coyote?!" 

The next night brought confirmation. During the early evening hours, our next-door neighbor had to secure her smallest puppy who was barking up a storm in the front yard. The reason for the noise? According to our neighbor: "There was a coyote in the neighborhood." 

More Wildlife in the Neighborhood 

A few days later, the same neighbor had another wildlife encounter. She was driving down Masonic paralleling the BART tracks when the car in front of her suddenly pulled to a stop. 

The cause was easy to spot. The local band of wild turkeys — a male and about a dozen hens — had nonchalantly sashayed into the street, blocking traffic in both directions. 

This is not an unfamiliar sight in our Westbrae neighborhood. But this time, something unusual transpired. 

The driver in the first car was not charmed by the sight of the feathered jaywalkers. The irritated driver was so impatient that he decided to smack his horn and start honking. 

Bad move. The Tom turkey took offense, spun around to evil-eye the driver, and broke into a run, attacking the offending vehicle with a fusillade of beak-blows. 

That was enough for our terrified neighbor. She put her car in reverse, backed up, managed a three-stage U-turn, and beat a swift retreat. 

Native Intelligence 

Later this month, when you assemble with your loved ones to carve a holiday tofurkey and pass the organic cranberry sauce, you might want to pause for a moment to say thanks to the Indigenous people whose land you currently occupy. And now, thanks to the National Education Association, there's a Map App that reveals which Native peoples originally inhabited these lands—long since overwhelmed by "vast caravans" of European migrants.
The NEA recommends prefacing your holiday events by naming the tribal nation on whose land you've gathered, "to show respect and gratitude to Indigenous people and foster awareness of their history and contributions—which are often omitted in the telling of the story of America." 

Looking for more ways to incorporate racial and social justice into your holiday gatherings? Go to: NEAEdJustice.org. 

The Doonesbury Puzzle 

A lot of folk were puzzled by Garry Trudeau's Doonesbury strip in the SF Chronicle's December 1 Sunday Comics. The confusion was stoked by the fact that the Chronicle's page design caused it to drop the first two of Trudeau's eight panels. (Note: Multi-panel comic strips frequently begin with nonessential "intro panels" that can be dropped to accommodate a variety of vertical or horizontal layouts, depending on the local publication. Usually it doesn't make a difference. This time it did.) 

The two panels the Chronicle dropped showed Trump's thoughts floating over the White House. Panel 1: "All of this over a perfect conversation…." Panel 2: "Time to finally build a wall." 

The Chron's version started with panel three, which began with a transcript of Trump's "perfect conversation" with the Ukrainian president. Subsequent panels showed; a truck (labeled "White House Storage") pulling up in front of the White House; workers unloading boxes filled with large stones; workers erecting a stone wall high enough to block out the White House. The last panel showed the completed wall—covered with some mismatched rocks showing hard-to-decipher streaks of graffiti. 

It took a good deal of time to reassemble the messed-up message—and ithe solution indicated just how long these rocks had been in storage. 

Trudeau's unscrambled message read: "IMPEACH NIXON." 

It was something of an inside joke. Here's the "famous Doonesbury 'stonewall' strip" from Nixon's last days in the White House: 

Russian Trolls Ding an Unsuitable Slander 

Believe it or not, there's a pro-Trump, Russian-linked news-op that sends out a daily diss targeting anti-Trump Democrats. Like Trump, these trolls frequently aim their barbs at Hillary Clinton. Here's a recent sample that, nonetheless, makes a valid point about press prejudice in the US: 

"The full measure of demented leftist reporting in America was further displayed by the Trump-hating Democrat propaganda mouthpiece New York Times—who during the 2016 election, praised Hillary Clinton for wearing a white pant suit they said “showed her empowerment”—but when war hero Tulsi Gabbard wore a near-identical white pant suit at this week’s Democrat presidential debate, saw them saying it proved she was “a fringe cult leader." 

'The Squad' May Soon Have Company 

Nabila Islam's family hails from Bangladesh. Islam is a first-generation progressive democrat. And Nabila Islam is openly campaigning for the 7^th district Congressional seat now held by Georgia Republican Rob Woodall. This makes Woodall unique: He hereby becomes the first Republican who actually has a legitimate reason to claim "ISLAMophobia." 

Meanwhile, the campaign slogan on the young contender's bumperstickers is certain to give white-bread GOPers the willies: "ISLAM FOR GEORGIA." 

Republicans More Likely to Attend "College" 

Newsweek recently ran a headline warning that the "Electoral College Overwhelmingly Favors Republicans. Abolishing Entire System Only Remedy." 

Even the activist group Abolish the Electoral College was surprised. "We knew the situation was bad, but this report is worse than anything we’ve read before," AEC wrote. 

"According to researchers, Republicans are favored to win up to 65% of future elections unless we 'completely abolish the Electoral College'. No half-hearted ‘reform’ attempts. Only the complete removal of this antiquated and unjust system can save American democracy!" 

The Good News: The National Popular Vote Interstate Compact would make it possible to retire the Electoral College without having to amend the Constitution. Member States simply agree to award their electoral votes to the candidate who wins the national popular vote—a perfectly legal option that renders the Electoral College vote irrelevant. To date, 15 states, plus the District of Columbia, have signed on, marking 196 of the 270 (72.9%) states needed to ensure that future presidents must win the popular vote. 

Erin on the Side of Caution 

I've been working on an environmental campaign with some other activists. It involves a 15-day tour of California and, since it involves issues of water contamination, the group reached out to pollution-fighter Erin Brockovich, wondering if we could engage her services. 

Not gonna happen: Her agency informs us that we can have the pleasure of Erin's company for a meager $20,000 an hour "plus first-class air travel for two from Los Angeles." 

My question: Does Julia Roberts get a commission? 

What's Up With the AARP App? 

I was wondering recently why the American Association of Retired People (AARP) has not endorsed S.521, the Social Security Fairness Act. So I went to the group's website and clicked on the Contact page. 

To my surprise, when I typed in the question it was answered immediately in real time—by an AARP-bot. 

Thanks to the magic of AARP's algorithms, there's no longer any need to wait when it comes to Q&As. 

It's like dealing with a print version of Siri. 

Unfortunately, the response to my question was too generic to be helpful. 

Feeling playful, I thought I'd follow up by asking a philosophical question to see what kind of response that would evoke. 

I tried: "What is the nature of evil?" The response was a boilerplate intro to AARP services. 

Hoping for something better, I asked the ARPP-bot: "What makes life worth living." The response came in the form of a question: 

How Do I Pay My Bill for AARP Life Insurance Program from New York Life? 

Don't Mess with Miss Willie 

Loved the story about Willie Murphy, an 82-year-old female bodybuilder in Rochester, New York. When a man banged on her door yelling that he needed an ambulance, she refused to open up. When the guy busted inside, the local media reported, Murphy "clobbered him with a table, poured shampoo in his face and was beating him with a broom when police arrived." 

The intruder got his wish—an ambulance ride to a local hospital, 

Murphy, the 2014 World Natural Powerlifting Federation Lifter of the Year, can hoist 225 pounds and do one-handed pullups and pushups. 

And to make the story of Miss Willie's beat-down perfect, the report was broadcast on Rochester's local radio station, whose call letters are WHAM. 

Breaking News: From the Molecular to the Megellanic 

Tired of all the same old news stories? Need a break from your quotidian quota of querulous quotes? If so, you might try putting a little juice in your journalism by checking out the lead stories on a typical day at Science News. Here's a sampling from the November 30 edition: 

• Archaeologists tie ancient bones to a revolt chronicled on the Rosetta Stone

• A newfound black hole in the Milky Way is weirdly heavy

• The solar system may have a new smallest dwarf planet: Hygiea

• How two gamma-ray bursts created record-breaking high-energy photons

• Saharan silver ants are the world’s fastest despite relatively short legs

• Vampire bat friendships endure from captivity to the wild

• How tiny insect larvae leap without legs

• We’ve lost 3 billion birds since 1970 in North America

Supreme Court Could Loosen Gun Restrictions 

The Supreme Court is considering whether to allow registered gun owners to carry their weapons pretty-much-damn-well-wherever-the-freak they want. 

According to the Giffords Law Center to Prevent Gun Violence, 2018 saw a record 67 new gun safety laws enacted in 26 states and Washington, D.C. Do these laws make a difference? Well, according to the Giffords Center, seven of the 10 states with the strongest gun laws have the lowest gun death rates in the US. 

The Gun Violence Archive reports that more than 35,000 Americans have been killed by guns so far this year. Most of the gun deaths—21,000—were suicides. There have been more than 380 mass shootings and 29 mass murders in 2019 and the year is not yet over. 

Trump Does TIME