Riding Saddam Darius Atilla Mao Kim Into the Sunset

by Charles Klouthammer

Suppose President Bush is right, and there really IS an Axis of Evil. We've
become so fixated on the Evil parts that we've forgotten to pay attention to
the Axis itself. If you follow its arc across the globe, you'll note that
the axis of revolution exits from Iraq into Iran, then passes through
Turkmeni-, Uzbeki- and all those other Stans, continues into China, transits
Mongolia, and then China again to terminate in North Korea. Somehow this
Vector of Venality manages to skirt the most notorious Stan, Afghanistan,
but that fools nobody.

This is the wild East, the lands of merciless, pillaging aggressors: Arabs,
Persians, Turkmens, Mongols, Mandarins. and Kims, warrior horsemen all. It
is not for nothing that the white-hatted riders of the wild West have drawn
a bead on the lot of them and are galloping full tilt in their direction.
The showdown has begun.

Do you really believe that North Korea just happened to pick this holiday
season to visit the West with gifts of nuclear sugarplums? No Magi these,
just a kleptocratic conspiracy of wise guys from the dark side of the
planet. Face it, North Korea's latest WMD gambit is postmarked Iraq. The
Butcher of Baghdad shot an arrow into the air, and it fell to earth you know
where -- in Pyonyang. Kim Jong Il is just shilling for Saddam to divert our
attention in a global game of Three-Card Monty.

What to do? If, as experts have testified, Pyongyang already has a couple of
nukes and may soon have a handful more, this threat must be taken seriously.
A container of "rice crackers" could vaporize the Oakland Bay Bridge. Are
the American people demanding a diplomatic solution? Hardly. They just want
the spooks and the soldiers to take care of business, with no fingerprints
or semen stains left behind, no questions asked.

If only State, CIA, and DoD spoke the same language great things would be
possible. Since tinhorn dictators like Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il and Fidel
Castro are basically in it for the money, why not leverage their exit with
options and derivatives? Buy Saddam a nice little island -- say Cyprus --
and set him up with his own lucrative theme park, a magnet for hedonists and
S&M thrill seekers everywhere; he might want to call it SodomLand. Then
offer Kim Jong Il double - no triple, or more -- whatever Al Qaeda is
willing to pay for his plutonium. Send Fidel out to pasture as the
figurehead of a consortium of campesino casinos ("Poker to the People!"). We
can undoubtedly get shady Cuban exiles to bankroll the project. Don't build
levees, drain the swamp.

Stir yourself, America! You're facing the most serious and organized
adversaries you have ever encountered, and all you can do is threaten
mayhem, as if deploying robot zombies on steroids will solve the problem of
evil. Despite its videogame appeal, this isn't the American way, and you
know it. After all, America gets its way by buying up whomever is ready to
sell out. Be creative, be bold, be opportunistic, but don't be suicidal.
Spend your assets wisely, don't blow them off. Bet on the bottom line. Seize
up the Evil Axis by lubricating a path to temptation that the Devil himself
wouldn't be able to resist. Make deals, take a few hits if you have to, but
keep a big stick in your back pocket. And don't sit down.

(end)