Columns

April Fool's Day of 2020 marked 24 years since my most recent inpatient psychiatric hospital admission. The release was about two weeks after. When I got out, I had the nerve to solicit a marriage proposal from my girlfriend, Joanna Freeman. We moved in together, and I needed to have someone (my fiancé) help me, because I was not yet normal upon release. It was to take several months for me to find my way back to reality--following being reinstated on antipsychotics. 

That's right, I have a schizophrenic diagnosis and have been out of the hospital and in recovery for twenty-four years. Some would think this is a great achievement. Even being schizophrenic and surviving to my age, alive and intact, considering the common early morbidity of mentally ill people, and the dangers of the other things I've been through, would be seen by many as a good accomplishment. 

This achievement was reached in large part through medication compliance. It is not pleasant to take antipsychotics, but if you need them, not taking them is more unpleasant. (Antipsychotics have nasty side effects and should not be taken unless it has been determined you need them.) 

I owe my wife, Joanna Bragen, a tremendous debt of gratitude for helping me to keep out of the hospital. Age is another factor. When a person with schizophrenia gets to later middle age (if they survive that long), it is believed by many that the illness often gets less severe. 

Since being released, I've learned that life seems harder in some respects when I live within reality rather than being insulated by a layer of semi-delusion. Life is not easy. If life is easy for you, something is probably wrong with you. Sometimes there is a use for gallows humor. 

In my past, I've been in life-threatening situations, in which I did not know that I would survive. I've lost some types of fear, and some types have become worse. And, I've been in ego threatening situations. In some instances, they were agonizing and/or humiliating. This is very different than a threat to your life. Fortunately, things in my life have stabilized since 1996. There have been fewer risky situations, and the ones there have been were caused by other people, not me. 

Employment is too hard and that's why I've thrown in the towel on holding a regular job. Relationships are hard. Trying to make it as an author is hard, that is, if you have hopes of making any kind of money at it. I would be happy and consider it a mission accomplished if I could make 40K a year at it. I currently make less than 1K at it. These are tiny amounts of money. 

When I am not insulated by a layer of delusion, many things become possible that were not possible when I was not tracking reality. Success is often a product of knowing what is required to meet a goal, and then producing it. How do you do that? Not easily. 

My level of success includes that I've successfully kept a major mental illness in remission, I've stayed married for twenty-three years to the same person, and I am a widely published author--additionally, that I haven't allowed my psychiatric condition to cause my premature death, so far. 

And now, I'm dealing with harder challenges, in which the expectations of others, or maybe the things needed to make my situation work, aren't reasonable to expect of a disabled person. 

It is vital to maintain the body. If I am in a rough patch, I'm learning that if I pile on too much, regardless of whether I or someone else believe I should fulfill that, I have to protect my well-being, or I will reap dire consequences. In some instances, things may not get done. Yet, if I allow excessive stress, my well-being could snap like a twig. 

I'll keep you posted.