Public Comment

Commentary: A Modest Proposal Regarding the Ohlone Dog Park

By Beverly Slapin
Friday May 25, 2007

Despite the many complaints we have heard about its being “stupid,” we commend the City of Berkeley for erecting the 10-foot high self-locking gates at each entrance of the Ohlone Dog Park to prevent unauthorized persons and/or animals from entering the park during the hours in which it is closed. We have several suggestions for further improvements. 

We suggest that the gates be electrified and that its height be extended to cover the perimeter of the park. We further suggest that the entire fence be topped with razor wire to keep out unauthorized persons and/or animals who might be tempted to jump the fence. We suggest that the electrification and razor wire be augmented with klieg lights and a sensitive alarm system to further deter unauthorized persons and/or animals from entering the dog park during the hours in which it is closed. We suggest that the klieg lights and alarm system be mounted on a guard tower, located in the vicinity of the house on the northwest corner of the park. 

We suggest as a further deterrence that there be a moat installed around the inside perimeter of the park, and that this moat be stocked with crocodiles and/or piranhas. We suggest that the crocodiles and/or piranhas be fed with unauthorized animals, such as squirrels and birds, that inhabit the park and/or those annoying little yappy dogs that their owners seem to find endearing. We suggest that warning signs in Braille, at distances two feet apart, be placed in front of the moat. We suggest, as a manifestation of our patriotism in these troubled times (and to demonstrate that Berkeley is not out of touch with the rest of the nation), that American flags be posted on the fence, every two feet or so. We further suggest that the opening of the park each day at 6 a.m. (or 9 a.m. on Saturdays, Sundays and holidays) be signaled with a rousing call to reveille over a loudspeaker and that “Taps” be played every night at 10 p.m., when the park is officially closed. 

We suggest that only residents of a one-mile area adjacent the Ohlone Dog Park be permitted to exercise their dogs at the dog park. Persons found inside or attempting to enter the dog park who cannot—or will not—produce valid photo identification and a PG&E bill will be considered “illegal aliens” and will be removed from the dog park and have their dogs seized. We suggest that temporary non-resident visitors to the Ohlone Dog Park who reside in the City of Berkeley but not in the one-mile area adjacent to the Ohlone Dog Park be issued green temporary visitor cards and present such cards in lieu of photo identification and a PG&E bill. The aforementioned “green cards” will be issued by the City of Berkeley for a nominal fee and will expire after six months’ use. Residents of areas outside of Berkeley will not be permitted access to the Ohlone Dog Park. 

We suggest that rules and regulations about use and misuse of the Ohlone Dog Park be clearly delineated and posted around the inside perimeter of the dog park, between the moat and the “playing field.” We suggest that these rules and regulations be printed in Braille and in any and all languages that people residing in or visiting the Berkeley-East Bay area might read, write or speak. And Esperanto as well. We suggest that announcement of the Ohlone Dog Park rules and regulations be broadcast, intermittently and at random intervals, over the loudspeaker. 

We suggest that a designated grid be assigned for urination and defection, perhaps around the perimeter of the house at the northwest corner of the park. We further suggest that designated sanitation cans in which “doggy-poo” bags are deposited be placed in this area so that the smell will encourage dogs to “go” only in this designated area. We applaud the large signage warning against “continuous barking” and suggest that the signs be expanded to include growling, showing teeth, jumping on tables, misplaced urination and defecation, inappropriate genital-sniffing and non-consensual humping. 

We suggest that various violations forms, housed in Lucite containers with Braille labels, be posted around the perimeter of the Ohlone Dog Park, so that park visitors can quickly access them as necessary and document any and all violations, such as barking, growling, showing of teeth, jumping on tables, urination and/or defecation outside of the designated area, inappropriate genital sniffing and non-consensual humping. 

When a dog is observed to have committed a violation, such as barking, growling, showing of teeth, jumping on tables, urination and/or defecation outside of the designated area, inappropriate genital-sniffing and non-consensual humping, we suggest that excuses such as “he’s never done that before” or “he never does that at home” not be accepted. In addition, we suggest that owners who admonish their dogs to “play nice” and/or “share” be immediately cited, as will owners who constantly talk to their dogs. 

We suggest that violations boxes, with instructions about what constitute violations and what the penalties are, be attached to each tree. We suggest that a City of Berkeley staff person collect completed violations forms and turn them in to the Berkeley Police Department daily, perhaps right before or after he feeds the crocodiles and/or piranhas with the aforementioned little yappy dogs. 

We suggest that the Berkeley Police Department immediately investigate the case of each dog alleged to have committed a violation of Ohlone Dog Park rules and regulations. We suggest that each offending dog be immediately removed and returned to the country of their breed origin, or, if their breed cannot be determined, euthanized on the premises. (Our research indicates that there has never been a habeas corpus challenge in the courts as to the Constitutional rights of companion animals. However, the City of Berkeley might deem it appropriate to employ legal counsel to research this matter further. But time is of the essence, so they say, and we suggest that these improvements be instituted with the due diligence and efficiency that the City of Berkeley demonstrated in erecting the gates.) 

We believe that the aforementioned improvements to the Ohlone Dog Park will bring increased peace and security to the dog park neighborhood, as well as increase the property value of the neighborhood homes. We therefore believe that the people whose homes border the Ohlone Dog Park would be happy to pay all expenses incurred from these improvements. 

 

Beverly Slapin writes on behalf of the Ohlone Dog Park Association and eight Ohlone Dog Park Commission members who wish to remain anonymous.